Tuesday, December 25, 2012

christmas

 Christmas morning at a house with a young child is always a whirlwind.  This Christmas was no different.
Bodhi was up long before the sun, pressing his chilly feet against my legs and whispering a question in my sleep deprived ear, "Is it time yet?".  I rolled over and tucked him beneath my chin in a big morning hug, "Soon".  In a short time he crawled out of bed and I could hear his bare feet rhythmically hurrying over wood floors to peek beneath the boughs of a twinkling tree.  I imagined his face light up at the surprise of gifts and a loaded stocking hung by the fireplace.  His bare feet padded a quick return to my warm bed as he loudly whispered, "Mom! Santa DID come! And he brought LOTS of presents for me AND Owen!"  With this he grew quiet.  I knew he was thinking about mom.  His brows furrowed in concentration.  I wondered if he might be remembering a conversation we had just a few days prior that went something like this,:
"Mom, do you believe in Santa?"
"Yes Bodhi.  Maybe differently than you do, but yes."
"Mom, if I am bad will Santa not bring me any toys?". 
"What do you think?" 
He thought for a while but didn't know, "No? Santa doesn't give presents to bad kids! Right?"
"I don't believe in bad kids Bodhi.  I believe we do bad things but that doesn't make us bad.  I think Santa can tell the difference."
As he sat on the edge of my bed I could see him trying to work things out because Mom certainly didn't get any presents and she didn't seem THAT bad.
Finally he said, "Mom maybe Santa brought you presents and HID them."
I replied with a bleary smile, "What does mama always want most?"
Bodhi's face lit up..."LOVE!"
"Santa didn't forget me Bodhi.  He brought me exactly what I asked for."
Here are a few photos to share from our morning:
Bodhi has been wanting a REAL crystal ball for a while now and he is quite excited to finally have one.
 A hand buzzer to keep things interesting.
 A new harmonica to keep things noisy.
And lots of other goodies to keep things busy.
I hope each of you finds a magical reason to smile this day!  ALL LOVE from our house to yours.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

surrender

"Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life." 
Eckhart Tolle, Oneness With All Life

Sunday, December 16, 2012

warp and weft

The loom is ready.  The warp is prepared and ready to receive the weft.  I look at it with my metaphorical sensibilities and have to smile.  We think our lives are supposed to be uncomplicated and easy.  Like straight, supple lines of warp, wound carefully and doled out to us, a year at a time, with uncompromising appeasement.  How dull is that?  There is nothing to hold it together.  No weft.  The weft is essential: life interacting with life, weaving under and over, creating tension and texture, pattern and variation.

How might our relationships be different if we approached one another with spaciousness.  If we responded to connection and union with a willing invitation to the tensions implicit in dancing with other?  How might our lives look if we abandoned the premise of safety and appeasement and instead welcomed the wonder and uncertainty of the unknown; if we responded, moment by moment, with a weavers hand: respecting the nuance of tension, variety and surprise, without judgement and defense.

If we continue to cultivate a tight warp of pretense and insist on a "warp only" life, we are missing the bliss of union.  The utter abandon of life making love to itself.  The push and pull of passion when life as other, challenges that illusion, one thread at a time.

Today, it is my sincere prayer that my soul may open to the weavers hand and behold the beauty unfolding moment by moment, a splendid dance, woven in time.

Hanukkah

The boys and I celebrated the last night of Hanukkah with a disgusting meal ala Angelina...really it was remarkably bad.  Bodhi had been feeling a little punky all day and after his second bite of beet greens and spinach he gagged.  I said, "Spit it out.  In fact everyone spit it out.  This food is terrible."  Unfortunately, Bodhi's belly was already lurching and he began a tremendous display of projectile vomiting where he stood.  I was poised nearby, arms out stretched, legs spread wide in the stance of a referee on home base calling "SAFE". I carried him to the sink where he continued unabated and I spent the rest of the evening cleaning, bleaching, rocking, soothing and pampering.  Ahh.  A celebration of light in preperation for the longest night of the year.  An appropriate event for such a night.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

In arizona

My mom and I hiking.
 My beloved sister-love Michelle
My brother in his convertible feeling the groove.
It's good to be in Prescott and hard all at once...just like coming home always is.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Bodhi


Quote of the day from Bodhi's utterly random ramblings:
"Acually and scientifically the world is in fact flat and Egyptians said it was round.  Who am I? It starts with a B- B- B.  Ballet dancer (insert a dance).  Egypt is in fact right.  What am I now? An alien with four arms.  The aliens live near the world, they thinks it's round too...I say flat and round.  Egypt is right and the scientists are right and the aliens too and people are right...except for Owen.  Owen is wrong."

Monday, November 26, 2012

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Turn to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

_David Whyte
The House of Belonging

Sunday, November 25, 2012

match mystery

Okay...gasp...shock...insanity.  I signed onto match.com for three miserable days.  Ugh.  And I thought facebook was objectifying and crazy.  I discontinued and learned a great deal.  1) I would rather be lonely, 2) you can get 60 emails in 12 hours, 3) If we all just offered present moment beingness to one another during the simple goings on of our days we would find ourselves feeling far more connected and far less alone.  So here is what I am going to do...I am going to practice talking to people.  Being kind to people.  Not rushing away when I could stay and offer presence to a situation.  I discovered that I have been retreating all my life.  I wonder what life would be like if instead I began taking steps forward.  It is worth considering.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

how not to weave

I haven't woven in a very long time, too long, long enough to forget some of the finer points involved as this heap of lovely, tangled linen will attest.  I decided not to get out my ball winder and just wind a skein of yarn directly using the back of a chair.  I know better than to do this but stubbornness united with a desire for immediate action and led headlong into this mess.  As the yarn became more and more tangled I found myself falling apart, my heart cramping, knotting into a ball.  Until finally I gave up and walked away from the disarray I had made and stood a few feet off with a bent head, tears rolling silently down my cheeks, alone, in my silent house, candle flickering in the back ground.  I stared for a time at that wreck of yarn and felt the weight of my own internal tangle. The tears fell.
People keep telling me to be grateful as if gratitude will cure everything and I am.  They beat me with it whenever I raise my head from my internal cramp and voice the ache of loneliness that occasionally grips my quiet hours.  I am grateful. I am grateful for two amazing and healthy boys. I am grateful for a warm and lovely home. I am grateful for a strong and healthy body. I am grateful for the amazing grace that keeps unfolding in this life. I am grateful for a wonderful job that I adore. I am grateful for food to eat, clean water to drink, the beauty of this earth and the gift of life.  I am grateful.  The knot remains, a tangle of good intention, once orderly and full of hope now a confusion of knots and ungainly mishaps.  Is something like that worth untangling?  Is it even possible? Tomorrow I will likely cut it off and throw it in the trash or burn it or set it outside as a nest for orphaned animals.  For now it sits on the floor, a self portrait in tangles, parts overlapping parts, a labyrinth of string.

thankful

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened

---e.e. cummings

Monday, November 19, 2012

connection

It has been an interesting few weeks.  I have been contemplating connection a great deal as a basic need of being human.  I watch my fellows rushing from one place to the next, gathering technology to themselves like talismans of protection against the emptiness of separation- a perpetual flutter of texts and calls and music and smart phones and GPS and more.  Yet so many of us are longing for the central cord of union- with one another, with ourselves, with life.  It's as if we are frightened of being disappointed, so we retreat deeper and deeper into the tight orbit of self.  My teacher recently filled me in on a little secret...the meaning of life is to LIVE IT.  That isn't tidy or safe.  It is messy and vulnerable and unpredictable and unknown.  And yet LIFE extends an invitation to us in every moment asking us to unleash the breathtaking beauty hidden in our hearts and experience, EXPERIENCE, experience life.  Life isn't singular.  It manifests in multiplicity, with no part existing in isolation.  There are no clear parameters to being.  Life- as you, as me, as friend, as enemy, as bird, as bush, as air, as earth, as water.  It takes courage to lift our heads and hearts from the tendency to contract and to extend a hand in connection.
Courage.  But what's the alternative?  A life unlived is no life at all.

I press your hand.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Love letters, fences and SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!

 My beautiful boy is reading and writing up a storm.  This explosion into the literary world is wonderful to witness but the treasure of his love notes warms my heart in a way no words can describe...aaah motherhood.
The two of us spent Sunday finishing the fence, fooling with the breaker panel (which took me a while to figure out and once I did the compresser kept throwing out the power until I figured out that the extension cord was probably to blame) and pulling ivy off our brick wall.  We enjoyed fish tacos for lunch and smoothies with air popped corn drizzled in flax oil, stevia and cinnamon for dinner.  Now he is snuggled under a blanket watching Scooby Doo before bed time and I am astonished by how happy I am to be a mom.  Honestly I don't know who I would be without my boys and I don't want to.
Love letters, fences and SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!

Monday, November 12, 2012

nearby nature

 Of course moving to a new house means finding new nature nearby and look what is just a half-mile from our door...
This beautiful lake and bird preserve isn't my mountain but it will become a dear friend in the months ahead when a nearby jog is easier than a six mile drive to hike.

the much anticipated house photos

 The living room...you can see my agave painting in the corner and another new piece ready to be hung.  It was my first experiment using smoke as a drawing agent.  I love the effect and patina.
Do you see my beloved loom in the corner...just waiting to be warped?
 And here is the studio/media room...
 And my wonderful farm style kitchen
The hall with my newest piece, Guardian, freshly framed but not yet hung.
 The fabulous bathroom with lots of driftwood, old tile and a hemp shower curtain.
 Bodhi's bedroom.  He chose which of my pieces he wanted to hang in his room.  I also found a stack of used coffee bags and up-cycled them into curtains and pillows....
 His alter (which he totally designed himself)...
 His bed with pillows made by mom and another piece of mama's art entitled Flight.
My bedroom and my dream bed....ahh.  I love iron beds.  The pillows are coffee sacks and vintage ticking...which I made of course.
 All the bedrooms have these great mirror closet doors which make them look more spacious.
 Owen's big guy room.
 and bed.
 And here is the fence that I have been working on with a few friends.  I still have one more side to go...whew!
I have been busy...so now that you read this...PLEASE close you eyes for a moment and send us an instant of stillness and love.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Where have I been?  I am not entirely sure....underground? within? digging? sprouting?  I don't know really.  I thought this photo might explain it better than my words ever could.  My co-teacher discovered this incredible corn plant growing from a wad of clay made by one of our five year old students and kept moist for future use.  Our student had employed an ear of indian corn to make impressions in the earthy mound.  Some of the kernals obviously found their way into the creation and this beatiful gift was the unexpected result.  When we first saw it we both knelt in front of it, awed by the determination of life.  This image became a sort of metaphor for my life right now.  I feel like freshly kneaded and tilled earth.  I don't know what seeds have been planted by the larger hand of life.  Yet I seem to trust the determination of life within me, like those seeds of corn embedded in clay.  There is a resilience and tendency toward growth that simply won't be ignored.  Perhaps someday I will be able to see the plants and even eat the fruits of my souls tenacity.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

papa

My papa is here visiting and helping me move into my little house (which I love).  I will post pics once I am no longer wielding a paintbrush in a furious frenzy.  For now, here are a few pics of my favorite fellas.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

new hair, new house.

I have spent the day moving, painting, repairing and spending.  The house is ours.  I will post photos soon.  In the meantime here is my short hair which happened the day before the closing. LOTS of changes.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

grace

I couldn't sleep.
I lay in bed tossing and turning.
Jacob wrestling with his angel,
Begging a name.
I too wanted reassurance,
A guarantee of safe passage,
A promise of peace.
I arose feeling just as lame.
Two choices lay ahead:
Spend the day as I had spent the night,
Or get myself on the mountain 
And walk it off.
I chose the latter and this is what I found:

It is utterly comical that I can spend the morning hours worrying about "what I shall eat and drink and wherewithal I shall be clothed" when, in those same short hours, Life is preparing something so breathtakingly beautiful that just witnessing it brought me to my knees.  Grace.  What is there to worry about?  To be anxious about?