Skip to main content

lover remembered

I went for an early morning hike up my mountain: the sun fresh in a new sky, the air crisp and clean from a night of thunder and rain, the hillsides verdant with life and dotted by fragile wildflower rainbows waving in a cool breeze.  Maya darted back and forth in front of me as we hiked hard, up steep elevations, winding to the top. We took the descent at a full run, breathing deep and strong.  That is when I saw them, a herd of twenty or more deer speeding down a ravine and arcing up the hill on which I stood.  I stopped, mid-run, awed by so much grace, agility and freedom.  I quietly followed the trail toward them and they toward me.  I paused again as they came closer into view, regal and wild; fawns and mothers and maybe a male or two, though no antlers were visible yet.  They crested the hill, silhouetted against an early, pale blue sky and everything changed. They stopped and one turned and stared at me as I stared, open hearted and amazed, back.  Suddenly I understood that I was not alone.  I could not be alone.  In fact, the notion of my loneliness and grief was ludicrous.  The breeze blew, intimate, caressing, tender and sweet, exposed and unabashed.  The earth underfoot, held me, would always hold me and catch me when I fell. Life is my lover and there is no limit to my lovers arms; my lovers hands are loyal and eternal.  The deer looked at me as I gazed back, my heart breaking with love- LIFE loving LIFE.  Life loving life.  Without end.  Without beginning. In that moment I realized that my lover couldn't deny me entry at love's threshold.  It is an impossibility.  My lover, Life, is intimate beyond my imaginings, formless expressed form and I am never, never, outside that love.  I could never be.  I am immersed in that love, formed by that love, breathing in that love, alive AS that love. What I have been looking for was so close I simply couldn't see it.
In the still morning air.  In the eyes of a deer.  Caressed by the wind. I remember.

Comments

Karuna said…
what a gorgeous photo! great shot.
have an awesome day.
i love you.

Popular posts from this blog

grief

Grief is defined as a deep or intense sorrow. I have been thinking a lot about grief, about it's wide and sticky reach, about the watery quality of it's absorption and the agonizing effort of swimming to shore. Intense sorrow happens. It is a part of life. Yet we press against it. We try to eradicate it. How? We encapsulate our grief in a story, thus effectively removing us from the immediacy of the pain. The mind promises salvation and begins to tell a story, over and over and over. We listen to the inner ramblings, the constant diatribe, the neurotic attempt to avoid the experience. When someone is hurting we listen to their story, we talk about it, we recount our own story, but we certainly don't jump in the waters of sadness, instead we sit on the bank of our familiar longing. Once, when I was floundering in deep grief, my youngest brother knelt next to me and held me for over an hour. He didn't speak. He didn't commiserate. He just jumped in the

Inosculation

I learned a new word today!  Imagine my joy to discover "inosculation", to taste the word for the first time, rolling it around the soft interior of my mouth before speaking it aloud with a shiver of delight.   I am a lover of trees, not metaphorically but literally.  I linger beneath their branches. I tear up beside their solid beauty and revel in the rough, steady touch of bark beneath a wide sky.  I love learning anything new about my beloveds and today I discovered inosculation , which literally means to unite intimately. Sometimes trees grow so close to each other that they rub up against one another.  The friction of bark on bark wears away at the hard outer layers, revealing a tender, vulnerable, embryonic layer of life.  If they stay in contact through the friction they will join together, uniting into a third thing....  a tree union.  In such cases the trees share their life force with one another.  I can think of no more perfect metaphor for beloved companions.   Th

a story recently shared by a friend

 Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment. When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself