angelbirdflies

I went to Owen's school today and while I was waiting outside his classroom I overheard a conversation going on in the kindergarten room. Glancing over, I saw a teacher sitting primly in a red plastic chair. Her tone severe, she lectured her young audience who attended to everything in the room except her voice. "Scissors are NOT used to cut crayons or playdo. They are ONLY for cutting paper. We cut paper to learn the skill of cutting. We study bears because they are interesting. Tommy, pay attention, Bears ARE interesting. Hands in your lap Susan. Eyes on me. Eyes on ME. Bears are interesting and you are learning important skills that will prepare you for the first grade. Excuse me, excuuuuse me. I am waiting. Kindergartners sit quietly and don't talk when I am talking." The lecture went on and on. I found myself imagining a flock of birds trapped in a cage, or monkeys carted off to an experimental lab, or something wild being stripped down and tamed. ...

Bodhi seems to unconsciously understand the power of a full throttle smile. Living his life at a full tilt, he reminds me of the beauty and joy contained in each breath. What a gift.

Minding our own business we were interrupted by a cacophony of music, which seemed to be issuing from a marching band on the front porch. We rushed outside to see a parade passing by our front door. HOW RANDOM IS THAT. It was the Lakewood Tiger Homecoming Parade and it wound its way through our neighborhood. Shane and Owen got all jazzed up, put on their orange and went out to the big game.

We celebrated Owen's unbirthday this weekend, complete with crown, unpresents (toothbruth, old ball, and a miniature velvet painting kit), potato bar and unbirthday cupcakes. We had a marvelous time. Owen playing KING and Bodhi entertaining as the appointed jester.

It has been a while since I wrote my last post. Truthfully, I began to feel it was a somewhat narcissistic endeavor, as I imagine only a relative few ever read these words. Still, I write, not because I anticipate an audience, but simply because writing is in my nature. I have been suffering from a devastating case of sleep deprivation. Our Bodhi sunshine recently swore off prolonged periods of rest and has consequently relegated my beta waves to the distant past. I brought him to the doctor, fearing that he was suffering from a strange and dangerous virus that caused children to waken every thirty minutes. We spent a few restless minutes, closeted in an examining room lined with monkeys- stuffed, painted and photographed- preparing for the worst. The doctor offered an indulgent and slightly patronizing smile and said that Bodhi was most likely suffering from social dependent sleep disruption (or something to that effect). It sounded ominous but not lethal. She went on to tell...

I used to be 'Nice'. You know, the kind of 'nice' that talks with a quiet voice and smiles sweetly, ignoring rude comments with apparent grace and lying down at each threshold to provide a doormat for the next person to enter over. A 'nice' that usually results in leaking anger, rather than expressing it, thereby toxifying the undercurrent and polluting the body. Yeah, that kind of nice. Now, it seems that I am becoming more genuine. Don't get me wrong, I am often smiling and ignoring things that don't matter, but if I get ruffled now, I growl. Today, I was confronted by a very rude, middle aged woman, intent on berating someone and I was the nearest person to her in the store. She made an obnoxious comment, that the 'nice' Angelina would have responded to with a smile and a swift apology for existing(swallowing the immediate impulse of retaliation, by imagining any number of possible situations in the woman's life which might have prov...

Last night Owen, Mojo and I, went to see the upcoming Broadway musical, The Little Mermaid , at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House in Denver. It was MAGNIFICENT. More than that, it was wonderful beyond words. The little girl in my heart, couldn't stop smiling and glowing. I recommend it to anyone who has the opportunity to see it. On our way home, Owen and I got into a deep philosophical conversation. One thing led to another and I said that my deepest wish was to fully realize the truth that I am not a body, but an expression of all there is and realize it so much that all there is begins consciously breathing me (well that and getting to be a Mermaid). Owen said, "But Mom you can do that already". I laughed, assuming he was joking and he said, "No mom really. You just have to close your eyes and say I AM those things and think about them without thinking of anything else and for that moment you are what you are wishing for". Surprised, I smiled, "Ye...

Shane initiated a mock game show, Be a Millionaire , with Owen tonight after supper. I missed some of the details but the gist of it was that Owen could win or lose exorbitant amounts of imaginary money for catching a specified number of disks. In the end they wagered all the money he had won (several billion dollars) for having all his heart desired. He won and was giddy with excitement. Every pore in his body was vibrating with enthusiasm. Then Shane (alias, Billy Billerson) upped the ante, asking Owen if he was willing to wager all his heart desires in exchange for the ability to give the people he loves what their hearts desired. If he lost, he lost everything and if he won, he would win it all. His face was serious and sweat rivulets streamed down his forehead. "I'll Do It!", he exclaimed. Shane (aka Billy) threw the disks and Owen caught them. He was jumping up and down. I don't think I have ever seen him so happy. He wouldn't play anymore after ...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am entirely unable to sustain communication, written or conversed, without a heavy dose of authenticity. Today, I am seeing the world through the blurry vision of my bodies' eyes. I went to work this morning feeling fine, but by the time I picked up Bodhi I developed a strong sensation of vertigo combined with a mental fog and shaky extremities. These things are only peripherally new to me. I have been surprised by my body many times, both wonderfully and painfully, in the past several years. I have come to believe that inhabiting a body is an interesting thing. It is simultaneously, marvelous and confusing. Having physical maladies serve two fold. In one respect, they can engender a preoccupation, and identification, with the body and its sufferings. While on the other hand, physical pain offers a rare, present moment glimpse at how little we actually know about the body itself. This sort of awareness creates a spaciousness around which ...

We are hosting a BBQ today at 1:00 and already, I am exhausted. We have been cleaning and mowing since yesterday. It is so much fun and we are behaving like little kids getting ready for it. I love summer and friends. I love potlucks and BBQ's. I love it all.

Invitation to one and all. Visit my other blog at www.babblingbookbabes.blogspot.com We are beginning an blogspot bookclub and would love to have a new member, particularly considering that at the moment there are only 2.

Hey gang, help me out with this. I took the test three times and got a different Daemon each time. In the end I got the bad monkey. I either don't know myself or I don't know my essence. Owen came up a fox- very appropriate Check out Shane's Daemon too

Owen has been my backdoor teacher since the day he was born. He continually teaches me how to soften and open. The most recent lesson surrounds a gameboy. I have a distinct prejudice and unwavering dislike for the technological brain suckers and have long maintained that my children will not play with video games. I, however, am not the only parent and, in Illinois, Owen has the opportunity to play with gameboys, nintendos and a variety of videos. He loves them. He came home this time and I witnessed the pain and difficulty he was having transitioning from one lifestyle to another. I realized that my beliefs and ideals, although well researched and founded, didn't help him. I relinquished. The game boy arrived in the mail last week and although it has some stringent boundaries, he is happily playing Pokemon an hour a day. As for me, I comfort myself with the hope that my bending has a softening effect on the righteousness of my ideals and short circuits some of my control...

Bodhi is fearless. He pulls himself up in precarious form, onto anything vertical. He then attempts to launch himself in the direction he wants to go. You read that correctly, he doesn't attempt a single step just throws his body toward his destination. The resulting fall rarely even phases him, while I am a blur of activity trying to redirect and distract. Whew! What a wild and wonderful boy.

Stage Direction: Phone Call Owen: "Shane, Where is the tent? I want to put it up in the back yard". Shane: "Sorry buddy, the tent is still in my car". Owen: (Quiet, but dramatic crying) Okay, here's mom. Shane: "Hon, I didn't take the tent out of the car. I could try to run it over later". Mom: "No, it's okay we'll figure something out". Owen: (Cries silently, but dramatically in the background). Tadah! Mom steps into her Super Mom uniform and in a matter of minutes constructs a Bedouin inspired tent to rival any found in an REI catalogue. Owen read 12 picture books and over 100 pages in Stardust, while Bodhi had fun terrorizing the camp.

Wake up! I silently scream into slumbering ears, too clouded with dreams to hear or respond. Wake up! I yell, drifting on cloud above snowbank, the earth below a revelry of expectation and sorrow. I slumber on, gathering trinkets, like snowflakes, until I am heavy beneath a drift of possession and desire. Wake up! I holler, hoping for an avalanche, a frost or a sign. Days drift endlessly into the next, pitfalls along the path ahead. Wake up! I call. "Breathe in the mountain air, let go, relinquish, set free." I slumber on, listening for the first sound of snow melt, the first signs of thaw, of Spring, of wakening. Wake up!

My mom meditates in the woods staring at dog butts, offering sweat and dog treats on the altar of life. Now, care has worn a weary trail across her horizon, marring the landscape and making the way ahead less clear. So, in daughterly fashion, I ask anyone who reads this blog of mine to extend a wisp of grace in her direction, to lift and ease, to lighten and assist. Thank you. May the God of Canines bless and restore you all.

You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. - Franz Kafka

We went to Shanes' class reunion last night. It was hilarious, surreal and thoroughly entertaining. Upon arriving I felt abit like I had stepped into a dream in which I was at a highschool party and didn't know anyone. It had the quality of discomfort that is usually associated with those underwear dreams in which you find yourself delivering a speech and suddenly realize you forgot to put your clothes on. As the night progressed, I became more at ease watching Shane interact with his past. His genuine beauty, humor and sincerity overcoming his prior unease. I felt like a voyeur enjoying a peek into the lives of familiar strangers. After several hours of hollering above the din of music and conservation, we left to pick up our boys. What we found was utter sweetness. Owen had put Bodhi to sleep, suggesting to Grandpa Ron and Mojo that he was a pretty good substitute for mom. Gathering them into our arms for the drive home, Shane and I felt more successful than our eight...