Tuesday, January 29, 2013

trust

Humans! It's as if we imagine our big brained attempt at controling life's details has any effect on life.  As if the sun waits for me to say "RISE" or the heart waits for me to say "LOVE" or "PUMP".  News flash...It doesn't.  Life goes on being life and I am convinced that all of our efforts to control it are truly and completely a waste of the moment.  Perhaps we can stop clinging with desperation to our "should be" and "not quite" and instead breathe deeply into the "is" and "now" with abandon.  Afterall, there is no peace without surrender and there is no surrender without TRUST.
So maybe, for an experiment, we can simply lean back into life's water and trust it's buoyancy enough to FLOAT and simply see what happens next.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

bloom

We imagine how life is "meant to be" and then with mental acrobatics and toddler-like temper tantrums we try to align our lives with our imagined "should be's".  The truth is that we live our lives like a flower.  We bend and twist and turn toward the light.  The way is second to the intention.  All of us, no matter how perversely, are seeking the light.  All of us are stretching to bloom.

Monday, January 21, 2013

rilke

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Sunday, January 20, 2013

sunday motherhood

Happy Sunday!!! Pumpkin pancakes...dancing in parking lots...ninja parties...and all around hilarity!  Owen quote of the moment, "You are the most AWESOME mom in the world.  Really, I mean it!"
Bodhi quote of the moment, "Don't be sad mom.  You are too beautiful to be unhappy!"
Damn I am lucky!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

patience

Patience...
Do you ever feel like no matter how much you think you know or understand or have learned you are constantly humbled by how much you don't understand, know or learn?  In fact, the hard ground of your own imagined knowing is often revealed to be nothing more than the gossamer musings of the mind. 
That's where I am today. 
Humbled by grief and fear and emotions that seem too wide and too big for any person to contain...so instead I open the windows of my heart and let the storm blow through.  I take down the walls and the roof and feel until there is no "ME" separate and apart, to understand anything.  And the wind blows a black sky through. 
I learned something important about patience...it implies trust.  The areas that I have withheld patience are the areas I have withheld trust. I lean into the storm and trust the oneness of which I am inseparable to carry "me" safely through.

mindful


Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for -
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world -
to instruct myself
over and over

 
in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light
of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Why I Wake Early)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

sundays

Sundays.
A day of rest...how to spend it?  We begin with pancakes.  What other breakfast says rest more than a carb coma?  Then we go to the gym, so we can wake up again, and to our un-church so we can rest once more and contemplate our navel in the wide company of similar minded minions. Then we eat, somewhere, before a visit to the library where I tithe money for late fees and pray before an alter of books stacked and numbered neatly into rows.  And finally we return home, often by way of the grocers.
In the presence of children, bickering and frolicking, I often make something...today it was maple-walnut granola, before I enforce 45 minutes of quiet time.  Everyone withdraws to their own corners (the youngest member of our household requires multiple reminders).  In these stolen moments I retire to my latest boon of books...delicious, delirious, hungry.  Today my stack looked like this:
I was only able to devour one book of poems by Deborah Digges. It was ambrosia on the tongue, sensual, delicious.  
Here is an appetizer:
"We crept the cliffs and sang the peasant's clock,
a rainbow locked, diphthong of lust,
peacocks' fanfare,
voices outrun the holy.
And thus we called the mighty in."
-- Deborah Diggs

Still to come...a trampoline park...dinner and bed.
Sundays.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

patience

“O, happy the soul that saw its own faults.”
-- Rumi
If that is the case my soul must be in a state of ecstatic bliss because faults seem to be parading in front of me with unparalleled abandon.  Recently, someone asked me if I was patient and I answered with an assured YES!  Who among you who has seen me work with children, or stand in awe before a sunset, or listen to a stranger would doubt my confidence.  And THEN life showed me quite differently...and I learned that it is possible to be gifted at something in one way and utterly piss-poor at it in another.  So back to patience.  What is it? I looked it up and it's defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset.
We all have strengths and weaknesses, right?  
In some areas of my life I have the patience of a saint and in others I would be stretching things to say that I have the patience of a flea.  Go figure?  My soul started doing back flips...hooray! another fault seen.  My ego has been less elated by the revelation.  
Humanness.  If it isn't humbling than you might be missing the whole show.

Patience.

tattoo

Many people have asked me why I have a circle on my back...just a circle.
I tell them, "It is to remind me that we are whole before we begin", but even that doesn't approach the truth...which is I just needed to put it there.  I am not even entirely sure why.  

“I live my life in growing orbits which move out over this wondrous world, I am circling around God, around ancient towers and i have been circling for a thousand years. And I still dont know if I am an eagle or a storm or a great song.” 
Rilke

“The life of man is a self-evolving circle, which, from a ring imperceptibly small, rushes on all sides outwards to new and larger circles, and that without end. The extent to which this generation of circles, wheel without wheel, will go, depends on the force or truth of the individual soul.” 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Monday, January 7, 2013

need

What is need?
Literally the word means "to require (something) because it is essential or very important".
It seems obvious that to be ensconced in a human body implies need.  The body needs water and food and shelter. These needs aren't something to be ashamed of or ignored.  They are basic to sentient life.
There are other needs as well.  Needs no less real or essential and yet needs that we often deem of lesser value, even to the point of sublimating them in favor of our deified cultural values of independence, self-sufficiency and singularity.  These needs include touch and affection.  They include safety and security.  They include love and belonging.
I am curious about these needs.  Why do we bury them shame facedly? Is it because they have gone unfulfilled and so the desire for them is hidden away, even from ourselves, only to arise with tenacious hunger before we beat them back again and again.  It seems terribly sad.
I am beginning to see these needs after years spent relegating them to the dark.  I welcome them in their ungainly and distressing guises. I am learning to embrace them even in the face of external pressures to be "whole" and never wanting...to be "complete" and never lacking...to be "full" and never hunger.
Without any assurance that these needs will be met, I wrap my arms around them and hold them close whispering, "I hear you", "I hear you", "I hear you".  It is all I know to do.  I rock them through the night and for the first time in my life I can see clearly that no amount of meditating is going to ease my thirst.  I am going to have to bring the cup to my lips and drink.

out of the darkness

Out of the darkness comes the light...or is it in light there is no darkness...or get out of the way you are standing in the light...or you can only see the shadow when your back is turned to the light...or something like that.  I don't know for sure but I certainly have been casting shadows.  It is interesting, this game of life and our propensity to take it so damn seriously.  Perhaps it just IS.  Perhaps it isn't as ripe with deep significance necessitating big brain ponderings late into the night.  Perhaps.  

Blessings