Saturday, June 29, 2013

a woman

 I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
-Anais Nin

bloom breath

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.   -Anais Nin
We all go through the stage of being bound tighly before the unfurling of petal and stamen and flesh.  It is constricted and difficult to breathe.  My sister Michelle calls it transition and as a former mid-wife's assistant, she reminds me in those moments to breathe.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Dad's wish

My dad has been in and out of the hospital for the past few weeks with heart trouble.  Many of you know that I did not grow up seeing my father.  In fact, I spent very little time with him in the years that have passed since my anticipated entrance into gravity bound existence.
Today we chatted on the phone while he lay beneath flowering vines and bird feeders on his deck in Bonsall and I sat on a round granite stone beside a gravel bottomed creek at REI where Bodhi frolicked with characteristic enthusiasm.  After a while it occurred to me that I didn't have any idea what my dad hoped for me in most aspects of my life, not the least of which was love.  Having grown up with my mom, I never had the barometer of a fathers affection and esteem.  So I asked him what he wished for me in matters of love, as water splashed and birds lighted on tree branches.
He said:
"I wish for you to be happy and to be loved."
"What does that look like dad?"
"I wish for you to be respected and cared for and for a man to spend time with you and to want to spend time with you...As much time as you want to spend with him.  And for a man to play with you!!! That's my wish for you."
I smiled.  "Thanks Dad, that's a good wish."

Thursday, June 20, 2013

F*ck It!


Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.
-Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

YEAH BABY! No use hiding under the covers.  We are talking about gratitude even for those kick your ass, knock you down and run you over moments.  I recently read a wonderful book called 
F*CK It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way (Thanks Neal!).  The author suggests that instead of saying "let go" or "relax" or "surrender", all of which can become cerebral in no time, we simply say "f*ck it".  

So that man you love doesn't love you back.  F*ck it.
So you are afraid you won't have enough money.  F*ck it.
So you don't know what the hell you are doing, where you are going or where you have been.  F*ck it.

There is an immediate relaxation response and a sort of visceral, full body sigh that accompanies that simple phrase. 
So whatever is up we can simply let it be exactly as it is and when we constrict and tighten and judge and shame ourselves we can just take a deep breath and on the exhale say, "F*CK IT!"

Enjoy.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I certainly hope that when you are consumed by the fire of your own hearts longing there is a sort of phoenician effect and not just a lot of ash.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

float

Over the years I have developed a habit of "inner sanctuary".  More often than not it is simply a resting back into spacious benevolence until a sense of calm pervades my experience.  Occasionally, I need to imagine a sanctuary.  In those moments I am always found laying on the shore of Mahaulepu Beach in Kauai.  I can't really explain why, except to say that when I am there my whole soul sighs a deep and audible "Home".  The ocean has always had this effect on me.  From my earliest memories of salty sea foam, I felt a sense of rightness with a quiet assurance whispered on the tide, "Relax.  Relax.  It is all okay.  Lean back. Relax.  Float."
It is even more visceral when I am there, in form, seated on countless grains of sand, staring out at a blue so deep that no description could suffice.  I listen intently to my own soul as concerns disappear and I hear clearly the "ta-thump" of my heart and the breath of the tide and the gentle, nearly audible assurance of my cells coming home.

Our adored and wonderous Ned

 Sixty and rockin' it!!! "But what's up with all these female artist-types and the headwear?"

underwater

There are few places more peaceful than underwater...as long as you have ready access to oxygen.

botanicals

hiking

Hiking in heaven.  A feast of sense perception.  Long rambling walks comingled with indeterminate stretches of time staring at tropicals and clouds and horizons so inspiring the only response is a full body smile.

Monday, June 3, 2013

NOW

I AM WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR.  I.  AM. WHAT. I. AM. LOOKING. FOR.  It is time to stop the bullshit parody of seeking for something out there to fill me up.  I am full, overflowing, ripe and beautiful beyond reckoning.  So are you.  It is time to stop pouring out a 100% in the hopes for a 20% return.  I AM the well.  I AM the water. I have a meat ye know not of.  This is the moment. NOW.