Saturday, February 18, 2012

what do you do when you're feeling depressed?

A friend recently asked me what I did when I was depressed.  I wasn't sure,  I couldn't actually remember.  Did I binge eat on ricecakes? or gluten free sweets?  No.  I ventured that perhaps I ate an excess of raw nuts and moped.  That was true.
Today I had the chance to remember when I felt the weight of sadness drop like a low laying cloud and my heart began cramping with sorrow.  I did mope for some time.  I tried watching TV.  Nope, that certainly did not satisfy.  I sat, like Macbeth, on my meditation cushion but peace was not forthcoming.  I ate a few ricecakes and just felt worse.  I was eyeing the nuts when I looked down at my dog and said, "Let's go for a walk".  I wrapped up in scarves, donned my parka, sunglasses and hat, pulled on my boots, grabbed a leash and we tromped up the back yard into the arms of green mountain.
 We trudged through snow and mud, over cactus and yellowed grasses. I began to breathe.
Once we crested a few hills we ventured off the trail until we found a dry spot with southern exposure.  On the face of the hill opposite, eleven deer grazed peacefully, only turning toward us, ears erect and listening when Maya made a particularly jubilant leap through the snow.  I lay down on my back and felt the warmth of the sun on my face and the solid earth beneath me.  I nuzzled into the soil, smelling its rich undertones and soon fell fast asleep, while Maya stood guard, her back pressed into mine.  I don't know how much time past, thirty minutes? an hour?  But when I awoke all was well with the world again.
I suppose this IS what I do when I'm depressed.  When all the world feels too daunting and my little life looms large and unwieldy.  It is my version of "considering the lilies" and while I am there I feel deeply part of something and not isolated or separate.  Like the grasses, stones, flowers, shrubs, deer and snow, I am life expressing itself and if the grasses don't need to worry about the morrow and what they shall eat or wherewithal they shall be clothed, need I?

1 comment:

Wind said...

I am so happy that the earths arms are always outstretched for you. And that you go to that mother, whose presence and loving guidance is constant. I love you.