Tuesday, September 18, 2012

sadness

I grasp at joy and avoid sadness. It's not unique to me.  It is the human condition.  We cling to imagined good and resist the uncomfortable.  I sit here, packing my belongings again, my heart aching at the prospect of leaving my mountain.  I sit not knowing.  I look out at a misty horizon, uncertain.  Where will we live?  Can I afford a house?  How will I support the boys?  What is all of this about?  Will I know/experience love?  These questions rise and fall.  When I try to answer each one, my body constricts in fearful response.  In its somatic wisdom it whispers the simple truth, I don't know.  The mind is unsatisfied with not knowing and worry is born.  The truth remains.  I don't know.  And so instead of "taking thought", I wrap my arms around myself and feel.  Sadness.  Loneliness.  Joy.  Hopefulness. Fear.  Regret.  Longing.  Doubt.  All of it.  When there is nothing left to resist, what remains?  Life.

1 comment:

wind said...

I cry with you, ache with you, am emptied beside you. Thank God for arms that hold when all else seems cold. Blessed arms that hold the warmth of our longing, and the aliveness of our tears.