Saturday, June 6, 2015

shame

I was recently asked why I blogged or engaged in a continual reflection on my thoughts or feelings.  Wasn't I at least a little ashamed to indulge my continual, narcissistic, self reflection in a world full of genuine need, suffering and pain.  This came at a time when I really had nothing left to battle with.
I went belly up with shame.  
My old answer didn't suffice.  I no longer blog for the same reason that I once did.  There wasn't an adequate answer.  Shame asked, "who do you think you are to put your thoughts, ideas and writing out into the world?"
Brown defines shame as the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging". 
Shame kicked my ass.  
I thought of deleting the blog.  
I felt ashamed of who I am, how I think, how I feel, how I live.  I came face to face with my own darkest self. Who am I to occupy space?  Who am I to hope for love?  Unworthiness and self loathing took up residence at my table and in my bed.  I tried to be different, to feel less and reflect less, to BE more and to learn to shut up.  I tried because I, like all of you, want, nay need, love and belonging.  
My heart broke and not in the dramatic or romantic way.  I found myself stripped raw, standing or laying on the ground of my being.  I realized in that dark night that the very thing I spent a lifetime resisting, a lifetime of trying to be good enough, pleasing enough and attractive enough or smart enough or good enough to overcome, was ME.  In that darkness, when all my coping strategies, and resistance fell away, there was a spaciousness that didn't demand "me" to be other than I am or life to be other than it is. 
And for perhaps the first time, I sensed my own worth, as I am, in this moment. 

4 comments:

Michelle said...

Ah dear sister you are so wise and loving with yourself!

The Extraordinary Life of an Average Person said...

I was browsing blogger and ran across this. How true! So much of life is spent trying to be something... and then failing to live up to that expectation. It's like we're wired to self destruct. We stand in our own way. The turn at the end says it nicely. When we take away those unrealistic expectations and embrace who we really are, we find our value, our worth. Keep feeling and keep reflecting. and by all means, keep blogging!

Angelina Lloyd said...

Thank you so much for your comment! My blog gets very little foot traffic outside of my beloved friends. Your words and encouragement warmed my heart. Thank you.

c tate said...

I Am :)