Saturday, November 8, 2014

day three: 27 days of gratitude

Grateful for my body and health exactly as it is…exactly as I am…right now.
I lay on the grey-carpeted floor of Denver Place in downtown Denver, curled against a wall in a private meeting room, listening to the conversations of the larger group attending the symposium of which I was a part. I  waited for my heart to regain a normal rhythm and the nauseus feeling to retreat. I felt again the sadness of possessing an unpredictable body, that neither medicine nor I have been able to “fix”; a body that, in truth, I don’t even understand.  As I lay there, I wonder, “Could this experience be an invitation?”  This body with its stammering heartbeat, dizziness and pain, is my body.  It is my body now, exactly as it is.  After years of doctors, careful diet and healthy lifestyle this body can’t be pushed away or denied or solved.  I began to wonder, as I lay humbled on the floor, if perhaps the time has come for it to be allowed, deeply in this moment, exactly as it is. 

We, consciously or unconsciously, strive for a Utopia devoid of messiness and suffering, without problems and conflict, but I wonder if all meaningful encounters with Life begin with LIFE as it is right now.  Is the first step to change, an honest, open look at this moment, in all its distressing disguises?  Could the first step to a new here include a willingness to pause HERE, before rushing toward the next solution, idea or innovation?  What if the messiness of life is an invitation to pause, simply and quietly, in this moment as it is right now?

I am grateful for this moment, this body, this life…exactly as it is.

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