angelbirdflies

"In order to avoid a broken heart people live their lives in a state of brokenheartedness." --Gangaji Better to break our hearts a thousand times and a thousand times more and LOVE.

Gangaji - Love and Gratitude from Gangaji Videos on Vimeo .

What I have learned:  I don't know a damn thing.

On my mountain today as I hiked and slid up its slopes in running shoes and gym clothes across slush and mud and snow, I was overcome with this simple awareness: all of life is an invitation into deeper connection .  Whatever is arising NOW: the grief, the loss, the joy, the "problems",  the "opportunities", are all invitations to connect deeply with truth.   For months I have been repeating a singular mantra: connection ...with people, with life, with Self, with God/Consciousness/Awareness/Being. Then it occured to me: my life IS that invitation.  Instead of trying to fix or heal or control the arising landscape of experience I could reply to that invitation with a "YES" and simply give all of it...the shit and the glory... the room to be.  Space.  Without judgment.  Surrender. Relax.  A comprehensive YES to life.

If you want what visible reality can give, you're an employee. If you want the unseen world, you're not living your truth. Both wishes are foolish, but you'll be forgiven for forgetting that what you really want is love's confusing joy. -Rumi

Sunday dinners at our house are a special thing.  We always eat together and we always have meat (at the request of my two carnivorous boys).  Tonight we made Bison burgers with all the fixin's, steamed kale and asparagus, a carrot and apple salad and raw sauerkraut.  Per tradition, we each take turns saying a prayer.  This evening Bodhi led the way with this choice impromptu blessing: "Chickens are nice,  Roses are blue. I hope this food Tastes better than poo!" I know I need to be more stern in these moments but we all collapsed in giggles.  For dessert we had pears poached in red wine, honey and cinnamon sticks with vanilla ice cream.  For some reason the boys believed themselves made somewhat drunk by the inocuous wine and spent the next thirty minutes in a stupor of hilarious proportions. All in all, another perfect Sunday.

Three hikes in three days!!!  Ahhhh! Vacations provide a wonderful excuse to hit the trails.  Today, as I was hiking green mountain, a westerly wind was blowing great gusts across the dry grassy hills, laying yellow stalks low to the ground in a rhythmic dance across a golden horizon.  I opened my mouth wide to swallow great gulps of air.  I imagined the wind traveling across oceans and savannahs, over desserts and mountain tops.  I imagined it caressing the whole earth before finding its way into my eager lungs by the mouthful, to be exhaled and continue on its ceaseless journey.  I smiled then.  Arms stretched wide, laughing at the arrogance of the human mind to imagine itself separate from the whole of life.

Here is my latest library stack of inviting bound packages.  I can't wait to read each of them, although the likelihood of me actually doing so in a timely fashion is next to none. Perhaps they will have some sort of osmotic impartation from their perch on my bedside table. And here is my lovely Valentine bouquet gifted to me by my beloved Baba on a day when I sorely needed a little externalized validation of love.  They sit on my alter beside photos of Ramana Maharshi, Joel Goldsmith and Bertie...beside statues of Buddha bedecked with my grandmother's rosaries and clear quartz malas.  They remind me of a conversation I had with Owen over a year ago , in which he told me that it was time for me to be a rose. I contemplate them with their graceful thorny stalks and elegant blooms.  The tender coloration of each blushing petal opening with delight.  I look at them and imagine myself among their beauty and feel what it would be like to blossom with that...

Subtle violence. "You are not enough". We all say it.  In little ways. To ourselves. To those we love. Believing the central lie, "I am not enough". We reach and seek. We shrink to fit and Distort our lovers to fit our need. It's a violence. A cruelty. A lie. The truth is simple. Enough is understating. Truth is blinding. Hands open. Heart released. The kingdom. Within.

What if... There is no right answer? No seek or get or take? What if... The need to know, surrenders? What then? At the threshold of Life We cannot bring our "carry on". Even the "me" story and "you" story Cannot enter. What remains?

Who am I without the "me".  That's what I want to know.

OH how can there be so much love in one photo...these two are central beats in the rhythm of my heart.  Wind has been my forever-love for nearly twenty years and her beloved daughter, Karuna, is kindred to my soul.  I had to post their photo here with bragging rights.  It is bizarre to be loved so thoroughly and completely by a soulsisterfriendwife through years of relationship upheavals, losses and births.  She is my constant light who never fades.  She continually sees my radiance even in my darkest hours and I am constantly blinded by hers.  LOVE.  I have big-life-love and I give thanks for it every breathing day.

Check out these "blast from the past" photos!  I look so relaxed before I ever had kids.  We just had a magnificent visit from my beloved Godfather Ned and he gifted me a few old photos.  Hilarious!  It was wonderful seeing him and the boys were so happy they fought the whole time. Here I am with my amazing Godmother-sister-friend Robin  And here I am with the fabulous NED! Ahh! memories. And now we added a few more memories to stash in our hearts and keep us warm through the last cold months of winter.

 I accept you are what you are.  I trust you to be who you have shown yourself to be.  Now what is my position in relation to  this?   Does this or  doesn’t this person align with the truth at my center?  If not, how do I release this person,  and remain in truth? And then when any emotion arises say, "I bless and accept this feeling".  Leave  judgement on the bleachers.  Short circuit the mind's story of pain and hurt.  Open out a  way for a new life to express. That's my theory anyway.  

If you know me, you know my nickname has been "bird" since I was a little girl.  Why?  Because I hungered for flight with unparalleled abandon...maybe to escape worldly concerns, maybe because the clouds looked so damn enticing.  I tried too, running down steep inclines with utter disregard for pavement, injury and the questioning glances of saner neighbors.  I tried in other, subtler ways as well, perched in my life with a constant eye toward the next horizon and gusting updrafts.  So when I named this blog it made sense to call it angelbirdflies. Things change and names are no different.  Many of you have noticed that the blog is angelbirdstays now. Why? Because flying away doesn't appeal to me anymore.  Life, the shit and the glory, interests me.  Inhabiting it through its "terrifying and distressing disguises", interests me.  Deep connections with my fellow humans, interests me. Opening wide the door of my heart to the inevitable flu...