angelbirdflies

Today is commencement for grad school.  I decided not to walk. remembering… college, living alone in SF, working as a fashion consultant, volunteering nights in homeless shelters, walking to the front of a full hall to claim another award, no personal applause, standing tall, head held high, eyes quietly scanning the audience hoping to find that one face shining with pride… declined invitations to award dinner's, mailed dean's lists, top of class announcements, and a little girl standing shyly in the middle row singing holiday songs searching, always searching for proof that it mattered.   Sweet little girl, you don't have to try. You are already enough. I am enough.      Already enough.            I have always been. We (bumbling humans) are trying so hard to counter this erroneous belief that we are not.  It's an epic, Don Quixote-worthy-battle with the great windmills of not quite, almost, and if only . It's a lie. I am, you are, we are, inherently,

Today, what I am most grateful for is that the challenge to post about my gratitude has come to an end. As with all things, the exercise came at a time when I most needed to adjust my thinking and at a time when it was most difficult to do so.  In the last six weeks, I said a final farewell to a hoped-for relationship, spent the holidays without family, children or the hope of them (and feeling a bit self-pitying about it), found out painful health related news from my dear beloved friend, witnessed and experienced the ongoing grief that accompanies the death of my coworkers beautiful child and kicked my own emotional ass with uncommon veracity. In the end, I am grateful for the unknowable, uncertainty of life because fighting it or trying to explain it away is simply not effective and causes unimaginable pain for myself and others.  Through this 27 day journey I learned that perhaps gratitude is not the word I have been searching for, but appreciation . Let's face it, it

My sweet boys insisted on making me brunch for dinner and they did. Owen made turkey hash and Bodhi made his signature scrambled eggs.  And then Owen made a gorgeous presentation, adding his artistry to the culinary creation.  We worked together for an hour prepping the meal.  It was a wonderful time.  I am so grateful for my two beautiful boys and all the joy and love and good cooking they bring into my world!