angelbirdflies

If asked what my most pleasant memories of youth had in common, I would answer without hesitation ... NATURE!  In a world that seems more in need of human connection to the natural world than ever, it is my hope to inspire a measure of awe and wonder in the vastness of the world we inhabit, unplugged and uncensored, in the hearts of my boys. With this in mind, Bodhi and I went scat hunting.  A favorite game of my mom's and now one of my personal fav's.  Bodhi only gagged a few times but was thoroughly interested and enthused.  We also spotted some tracks we thought might belong to a fox (we have a pair living nearby).  And we had ample opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasures of togetherness  in the wide outdoors.  Get outside, look for shit and marvel when you find it!  Now that's a code for living!

Where have I been all this time?  Well one week has past since the boys and I moved into the new house.  We will be house sitting here until mid-june.  It is a positively lovely three story home AND of course, the move and events leading up to it, consumed much of my emotional energy.   We are settling in and getting used to our new surroundings. The best part of the new location is the backyard.  It literally backs up to my favorite hiking spot near denver, Green Mountain.  It has long been my sanctuary (as this blog will attest with its many photographic tributes over the years).  Owen is pictured above, overlooking Denver just a hundred yards from the house.  And this IS the back yard.  It is a great place to heal for a while and mend an aching heart.  The boys are slowly making room in their worlds for this change.  It is hard on them. Bodhi is chewing again and longing for the lost comfort of the pacifier of years gone by, wh...

I enjoyed this reminder, maybe you will too: Many people don't realize until they are on their deathbed and everything external falls away that no thing ever had anything to do with who they are. In the proximity of death, the whole concept of ownership stands revealed as ultimately meaningless. In the last moments of their life, they then also realize that while they were looking throughout their lives for a more complete sense of self, what they were really looking for, their Being, had actually always already been there, but had been largely obscured by their identification with things, which ultimately means identification with their mind. "Blessed are the poor in spirit," Jesus said, "for theirs will be the kingdom of heaven. ''What does "poor in spirit" mean? No inner baggage, no identifications. Not with things, nor with any mental concepts that have a sense of self in them. And what is the "kingdom of heaven"? The simple but p...

For much of my life I have longed for some conceptual utopia of spirit, out of reach and made unattainable by my constant seeking, which some have called  enlightenment,  the big "E".   Pondering this, I found myself rebelling against the futility of reaching toward something outside the immediacy of this moment.  In the spirit of revolt, I decided to embrace the notion of in-lighter-ment instead.   Enlightenment (as a loaded term and not the experience it points to), seems to signify a destination and a "getting there".  It is akin to winning the ultimate spiritual lottery.  In keeping with this analogy, I have never felt confident that I was going to win the powerball,  it being wholly outside the sphere of my own effort, not to mention the glaring problem that I don't buy a ticket.  Enlightenment seemed to separate the spiritual populace into the "haves" and "have-nots".   So I coined a new term, limited, as all terms are, ...

 Here they are: thing one and thing two. Thing one: Owen is busy growing and looking cool, going to school, pushing against mom and learning how to be the man he will become, in his own Owen-like way. He is such a deep swimming boy.  He often startles me with his insight and clarity. Thing two: Bodhi is midway through his last year at Children's Garden Montessori School, where I teach.  I have grown accustomed to having him with me every day.  I have watched him grow and learn and develop in a way that many working mamas simply can't do.  I am grateful for this gift daily and the gift of being mother to two amazing and breathtaking boys.

 I have finally submitted a few of my pieces to a very small art show in Denver at a center for women called Pomegranate Place.  Here are four of them.  I submitted eight.  The paper pieces are heavily worked, mixed media measuring 24-36.  The mixed media encaustics are 36 x 36  and 24 x 24. I have to put a price on them.  Which isn't easy for me, since all are born and kin to my heart.  I rarely exhibit my work, choosing instead to cherish and hide them like so many precious aspects of my soul too vulnerable to risk censure.  I choose instead to shine and step out from the shadows of hiding  and express my belief in the inherent beauty of creating.

 My brother is back and his lady love, Pilar, too.  It is great visiting with family particularly basking in their familiar insanity.  I think this is "hear no evil, see no evil, but I can't be sure.

 We had a big snow recently and Bodhi wanted to go outside. I told him to get his snow stuff on and frolic at will.  This is what happened...It is below freezing at 8 in the morning...how's that for charting your own course. Here he is begging for something.  and just look at that angelic face!  Here he is globe trotting during his Montessori birthday celebration  and rapturous at the sight of another great gift.  We spent a great day after Christmas, celebrating Bodhi's birth with a birthday party at the Museum of Nature and Science and whenever boredom sets in with the short days and cold weather Bodhi livens things up.  Here he is streaking in the neighboring yard at forty degrees. Gotta love this kid!!!

When everything looks bleak and the darkness cramps against the cold, it takes courage to simply look out from imagined isolation toward the wide horizon of beauty available in every moment.  It takes courage to lean into the sea of life and trust the tide. When weary limbs no longer support us, it takes courage to trust our inner buoyancy and float.  It takes courage, in the face of darkness, to remember the light and sit in all our apparent blindness and listen, silently, to the still, small whisper within.  It takes courage, in that dark hour, when nothing else remains.  Eyes closed.  Eyes opened.  A glimpse, a memory, a fleeting vision of a light so bright it blurs the borders of things seen and things perceived into a comprehensive wholeness of being.  It takes courage.

When the Bodhidharma was asked to describe enlightenment, he said simply, "Space everywhere, nothing holy".

"The sage points at the moon.  The idiot see's only the finger." ---Eastern Saying

Gratitude Day.  Harvest Celebrations.  Thanksgiving. Let's eat our gratitude.  May that be our food.  Eat our thankfulness, chew it, swallow and eat some more until we are bursting with blessings, belching joy from a belly round with laughter.

How cute is this for a perfect fall photo op.  These frisky fellows were enjoying a jack-o-lantern feast on our patio, while the boys enjoyed pumpkin pie at the kitchen table.   It is always fun to see something planted and full of hope in the spring become a meal for family and furry friends in the fall. Happy autumn to each of you!

I don't kill spiders.  It's not from a strict adherence to non-violence.  I kill mosquitos and the occasional gnat or centipede, I eat fish and other fleshy creatures (though it is rare and sadly with a burden of guilt, which is a gustatory downer).  I just don't kill spiders.  I talk to them.  If they are dangerous, they go outside, otherwise we live side by side in companionable tolerance.  They walk across the floor, the tub, the counter, leisurely and with an air of belonging.  Today I saw one scurry, eight legs literally racing across the kitchen rug over the cool spanish tiles, speeding toward a dark space beneath Bodhi's wooden step stool.  It was such a strange occurrence after years of spiders creeping from place to place.  This spider looked scared, though no doubt I am anthropomorphosizing. I stood for some time wondering how often I feel like that spider looked, imagining the world I inhabit dangerous, frightening and ominous. ...

My life feels grey, heavy, frightening...like there is a storm just about to break, a smell of ozone, impending darkness and I am uncertain of shelter.  I find myself on the point of tears often.  I don't know if it is because my Grandmother is gone or because the sharp reality of mortal existence has finally dawned on me.  Tears roll, salty, down cheeks, blurring my vision and the world I see.  Suddenly my willingness to accept the monotony of half living, silent suffering mediocrity and deeply buried truths, seems harder to bear.  I, like a sodden dog heavily water logged with doubt, fear, thought and belief, want only the freeing sensation of a good shake- sending rivulets in all directions, until I am light again. I miss her.  My grandma.  I miss the world she represents- warm naps in kind arms, dinners lovingly prepared without thought for what is "healthy", laughter, childhood and an unconditional love that beams from behind spectacles inches th...

 Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment. When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself...

"There is no difference between the dream and the waking states except that the dream is short and the waking long. Both are the result of the mind. Our real state, called turiya (fourth), is beyond the waking, dream and sleep states." ---Ramana Maharshi

" There is only one decision you need to make: You are either working at your Freedom or you are accepting your bondage." ---Robert Adams

 A fall frenzy, with a bevy of color and the crunch of leaves underfoot, has all of us feasting on beauty.  Owen planned an elaborate autumn celebration with a tribute alter to Demeter and some other Greek God whose name escapes me.  We made an abundant meal of all our harvested produce as the seasons bounty is no longer growing in the beds outside.  We enjoyed a trip to the park, looking and listening, smelling and feeling the warmth of autumns farewell with the gentle whisper of winter's cold on the wind.  When my whole world is falling apart around me, I look at these two beautiful people and everything feels perfect, beautiful and whole.  Happy fall my friends and family...with big LOVE.