When I tuck my head into Owen’s long black hair the strong odor of unwashed oil wafts unwanted into my nose. I pull back and look at him. He smiles at me, wide with plaque coated teeth gleaming off-white. I smile back and resist the immediate urge to chastise him for hygiene. His arms wrap tighter around my middle, head pressing into my diaphragm, content. I breathe the air above him, drawing the fresh scent of the surrounding air and hug him back. He is never the first one to let go. He could hold on all day, lake some carrier monkey attached to my back and secure. I gently release him, making a mental note to insist on a shower and remind him of the importance of shampooing-to-a-lather, but for now I bask in my sons love, unkempt and secure.
Some days, you just have to forget about ‘healing’. You have to stop trying to feel better, trying to overcome your emotional wounds, or trying to be anywhere other than where you are. You have to embrace the day as it is. And you have to give yourself the most sacred permission of all: To shatter. To break. To be an ugly mess. To lean into a place of utter humility and powerlessness in yourself. To cry out to the heavens, “I can’t do this!” To admit utter defeat in the loss of the life you had imagined. To crumble to the ground, lonely and hopeless and profoundly ruined. To want to die, even. And there, in the darkest places, in the blackness of the underworld, you may begin to rediscover... life. And learn to love the beginnings. A sacred reboot: A single breath. The way the sun warms your face. The sound of a tiny bird singing in the tree over there. The raw simplicity of a single moment of human existence. Hell has been transmuted, thr...

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