I stare outside the window at the mountain beyond the house. I listen to its wildness, here amidst the city, a refuge reminder of the feral and wild. I am surprised by my heart in such contemplations, leaning as it does toward the gentle slopes with the ardent desire of a lover. Though I am cloaked in sweaters, shawls and shearling boots within the walls of a heat controlled environment, I find myself longing for the un-tame expanse with a tangible ache. Recently, I considered my ever changing reflection in the mirror and listened to the voices of our collective expectations focused on uniformity, enamored with youth and beauty. I listened and realized with a start that the bloom of youth has passed. I am spring no more, nor early summer. I stood contemplating this and listening to the tinny voices of our culture, implanted in my earliest ear and I laughed. I laughed at the sameness and all it implied. I laughed at the wrinkles and I laughed at the effort. I laughed at the longing and the expectations. I laughed and something within me stirred, wild, like my mountain amidst the city. Untame and untamable. Suddenly it didn't matter. None of it. Home and safety, romance and desire, success or failure. None of it matters. The wind blows. The snow falls. Life simply is.
Yes, I know it doesn't look like much. It was only about 5 inches in diameter and 8 feet tall. The root ball was no more than 3 feet deep. But it was a sweet red-bud tree that we planted the year Bodhi was born, his placenta was buried in it's roots and like many of the trees in our neighborhood, it died (see this post to understand why) . I can't say that I mourned its death in a tangible way, rather it produced in me a sort of unnameable melancholy. I am a woman who loves the spring. I nearly live for it. When the first signs of life emerge like a haze of hope, I drink in green with the passion of a desert crawling woman sipping at an oasis. I gorge. This year has been hard. Our neighborhood isn't leafing out in native splendor, instead the tired trees seem to begrudge the effort, only offering a tender shoot or bud occasionally. The north side of many trees appear to have given up all together, too tired after a long winter...
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