what do you do when you're feeling depressed?

A friend recently asked me what I did when I was depressed. I wasn't sure, I couldn't actually remember. Did I binge eat on ricecakes? or gluten free sweets? No. I ventured that perhaps I ate an excess of raw nuts and moped. That was true.
Today I had the chance to remember when I felt the weight of sadness drop like a low laying cloud and my heart began cramping with sorrow. I did mope for some time. I tried watching TV. Nope, that certainly did not satisfy. I sat, like Macbeth, on my meditation cushion but peace was not forthcoming. I ate a few ricecakes and just felt worse. I was eyeing the nuts when I looked down at my dog and said, "Let's go for a walk". I wrapped up in scarves, donned my parka, sunglasses and hat, pulled on my boots, grabbed a leash and we tromped up the back yard into the arms of green mountain.

We trudged through snow and mud, over cactus and yellowed grasses. I began to breathe.

Once we crested a few hills we ventured off the trail until we found a dry spot with southern exposure. On the face of the hill opposite, eleven deer grazed peacefully, only turning toward us, ears erect and listening when Maya made a particularly jubilant leap through the snow. I lay down on my back and felt the warmth of the sun on my face and the solid earth beneath me. I nuzzled into the soil, smelling its rich undertones and soon fell fast asleep, while Maya stood guard, her back pressed into mine. I don't know how much time past, thirty minutes? an hour? But when I awoke all was well with the world again.

I suppose this IS what I do when I'm depressed. When all the world feels too daunting and my little life looms large and unwieldy. It is my version of "considering the lilies" and while I am there I feel deeply part of something and not isolated or separate. Like the grasses, stones, flowers, shrubs, deer and snow, I am life expressing itself and if the grasses don't need to worry about the morrow and what they shall eat or wherewithal they shall be clothed, need I?

Comments

Wind said…

I am so happy that the earths arms are always outstretched for you. And that you go to that mother, whose presence and loving guidance is constant. I love you.

February 19, 2012 at 7:39 PM

Coraggio

When everything looks bleak and the darkness cramps against the cold, it takes courage to simply look out from imagined isolation toward the wide horizon of beauty available in every moment. It takes courage to lean into the sea of life and trust the tide. When weary limbs no longer support us, it takes courage to trust our inner buoyancy and float. It takes courage, in the face of darkness, to remember the light and sit in all our apparent blindness and listen, silently, to the still, small whisper within. It takes courage, in that dark hour, when nothing else remains. Eyes closed. Eyes opened. A glimpse, a memory, a fleeting vision of a light so bright it blurs the borders of things seen and things perceived into a comprehensive wholeness of being. It takes courage.

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