It all happens so quickly- birthing, nursing, walking, talking, toileting, schooling and little by little- growing up. Little by little they leave the sanctuary of mama and move out into the world. And little by little all of parenthood is a series of small good-byes. Little by little we release them into the world. Sometimes my mama heart aches as I watch my big boys orbiting in lives that are foreign to me. Sometimes I remember the ease of holding their warm bodies in loving arms, when all their needs were met easily within the orb of my own being. I never once deluded myself into thinking that they belonged to me, rather I have always been grateful for the rare and exquisite gift of loving them and being loved by them. And now, little by little, they are becoming big boys in a big world and I am watching them from greater distances as they grow and evolve far beyond the orb of my arms. Ah motherhood…it remains my most tenacious teacher.
Yes, I know it doesn't look like much. It was only about 5 inches in diameter and 8 feet tall. The root ball was no more than 3 feet deep. But it was a sweet red-bud tree that we planted the year Bodhi was born, his placenta was buried in it's roots and like many of the trees in our neighborhood, it died (see this post to understand why) . I can't say that I mourned its death in a tangible way, rather it produced in me a sort of unnameable melancholy. I am a woman who loves the spring. I nearly live for it. When the first signs of life emerge like a haze of hope, I drink in green with the passion of a desert crawling woman sipping at an oasis. I gorge. This year has been hard. Our neighborhood isn't leafing out in native splendor, instead the tired trees seem to begrudge the effort, only offering a tender shoot or bud occasionally. The north side of many trees appear to have given up all together, too tired after a long winter...
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