angelbirdflies

Bodhi and I just returned from a road trip visit with my mom in Prescott and a spring break well spent.  The best part of a mama visit is that there are always abundant opportunities for my heart to both sing and grieve.  Bodhi was such an amazing travel trouper.  We spent one night in route at a hotel in Moab and a day marveling at the splendor of the landscape. See that tiny figure in the picture above. That is Bodhi right before I said "OH SHIT he isn't stopping and ran faster than I believed possible to his side. Breathless, we both stared with amazement at the valley below while I stubbornly clung to his collar. We arose before dawn and took these shots just after the sun rose. On the drive through Arizona we spotted a sign that read "Dinosaur Tracks" and made a u-turn to investigate.  We were greeted by several Navajo saying "We are real indians.  We'll show you real dinosaur tracks."  Thus began our rather odd tour of the landscape where Bod...

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi

I opened this carton of eggs after a recent trip to the farmers market and had to smile.  It is always nice to see an individual set apart, even in the fridge.

 We went for a hike in the wide hills beyond our back yard today.  The sun, high in the sky, warming the cold earth and quietly assuring it's inhabitants that Spring would come some day soon.  After a short while of walking through grasses bent low by the burden of a winter of snow. I hit the wall. I have no idea what exactly happens in moments such as these.  Owen says I start "charging down".  I literally stop, all systems put on the breaks and I simply have to lay down and often sleep it off before I can "charge up" again.  This happened today, just a half mile into our walk, and for the next hour the boys just played around me while I went in and out of wakefulness. It was such a treasure to lay there, without participating or interjecting, and just listen to their conversations.  Their mutual overlap lies in the realm of imagination and soon they were on an epic adventure: battling trolls hidden in bushes, seeking lost treasure amidst the tangle...

Bodhi has a large mouth.    The better to yell and be heard, to smile wide with enjoyment and to make bizarre faces to amuse and astound his friends.    He is proud of his big mouth and will open wide and show you his gaping maw whenever opportunity arises.    When he uses it to smile my heart melts under his sunshine.

I can’t often see him, but I can hear him. Beneath his breath he makes the sounds of battle, “psshk, pow, uggh, fsssssshhh”.  I imagine him, spinning with deft agility, wielding some deadly weapon, visible only to him, as he slays a bastion of invaders and nay-sayers.  He is transformed, no longer Owen, but Ace, with red hair, spiked and dangerous hanging heavy over dark eyes.  Once my dark haired boy of near-twelve, he is now a seasoned “ranger” carrying a plethora of weaponry and possessing the skills to use them. 

 I had a fabulous birthday- sweet and simple and surrounded by my two sweet boys. Owen and Bodhi helped make me gluten free Brownies and Owen made Aunt Bertie's lemon curd sauce to go with it...YUM. For my gift, the two of them (with ample mama support) made me a magical Italian feast in honor of my Grande' Cia and in celebration of ME. Bodhi decorated the table with hand made drawings and name cards and they took turns saying a blessing for me on my birthday.  Next, we feasted on polenta topped with kale, puttenesca sauce, capers and Parmesan and ate a homemade mozzarella salad (We helped make the mozzarella with Ricardo at the Deli Italia, click here to read about it ). The boys sang me several renditions of Happy Birthday and Bodhi did all the dishes!!!  Then he had the brilliant idea to take all the blankets we could find outside and snuggle together on the hammock looking at the night sky with its bright stars and round moon.  We toughed it out for over an h...

Bodhi leaves half eaten apples, and the occasional pear, all over the house.  I find them beneath couch cushions, on side tables, in sock drawers, abandoned and discarded, rotting.  Bodhi is all about that first bite, the conquest.  A dozen clean and shiny apples arrive in the fruit basket every week, each one new and unexplored.  He waits, knowing if I see him I will take the apple, cut it in half, remove the seeds and offer it to him.  In these instances, he eats the entire apple, leaving nothing behind but he doesn’t ask me to cut the apples.  He prefers to grapple with what is too large, too much and more than he can ingest.  Bodhi approaches life like half eaten apples, nothing needs to be finished, it is about the next great thing, the next forbidden something to monopolize his interest.

When I tuck my head into Owen’s long black hair the strong odor of unwashed oil wafts unwanted into my nose.  I pull back and look at him.  He smiles at me, wide with plaque coated teeth gleaming off-white.  I smile back and resist the immediate urge to chastise him for hygiene.  His arms wrap tighter around my middle, head pressing into my diaphragm, content.  I breathe the air above him, drawing the fresh scent of the surrounding air and hug him back.  He is never the first one to let go.  He could hold on all day, lake some carrier monkey attached to my back and secure.  I gently release him, making a mental note to insist on a shower and remind him of the importance of shampooing-to-a-lather, but for now I bask in my sons love, unkempt and secure.

Bodhi will proudly tell you that he is five years old, with a voice loud enough to convey his advanced years to anyone who might be standing nearby.    He is a child with an intense approach to life.    When his eyes open just before the sunrise and sometimes even before his long lashes have parted their nightly rest, he begins talking- of Scooby Doo, or what he wants for breakfast, what video games he NEEDS to play or if he has to go to school today, which inevitably leads to a download of all the reasons going to school is not fun, from cutting up states, to writing his name, from friends that won’t play with him to friends that won’t leave him alone.    I take him in my arms and hold him close for a moment, he doesn’t relax into my arms but struggles to be free again, demanding my help in turning on the TV he knows I won’t turn on or setting up a game on the computer that he knows he can’t play.    When his older brother awakens, not of his own...

A friend recently asked me what I did when I was depressed.  I wasn't sure,  I couldn't actually remember.  Did I binge eat on ricecakes? or gluten free sweets?  No.  I ventured that perhaps I ate an excess of raw nuts and moped.  That was true. Today I had the chance to remember when I felt the weight of sadness drop like a low laying cloud and my heart began cramping with sorrow.  I did mope for some time.  I tried watching TV.  Nope, that certainly did not satisfy.  I sat, like Macbeth, on my meditation cushion but peace was not forthcoming.  I ate a few ricecakes and just felt worse.  I was eyeing the nuts when I looked down at my dog and said, "Let's go for a walk".  I wrapped up in scarves, donned my parka, sunglasses and hat, pulled on my boots, grabbed a leash and we tromped up the back yard into the arms of green mountain.  We trudged through snow and mud, over cactus and yellowed grasses. I began to breath...

If you haven't had the pleasure of visiting my boys cooking blog , do! it is fantastic.

Okay, I just found a new word and fell in love.  I often fall in love with new words, particularly ones that describ e something I have struggled to frame into concept for years.  The word is  peripatetic .  It means:  Adjective: Traveling from place to place, esp. working or based in various places for relatively short periods. Noun: A person who travels from place to place. Hello!!!!  I have been calling myself a gypsy for years trying to describe the feeling of restlessness that  gnaws at the edges of things.  It comes like a breeze, changing directions and suddenly I need new scenery like I need water and food and shelter.  I fight this part of myself, trying to forge roots and content myself with sameness.  My younger brother, who is certainly a peripatetic, used to tell me that people are sailors or farmers.  Farmers plant their roots deep and grow where they are planted, where as sailors always long for the next hor...

I stare outside the window at the mountain beyond the house.  I listen to its wildness, here amidst the city, a refuge reminder of the feral and wild.  I am surprised by my heart in such contemplations, leaning as it does toward the gentle slopes with the ardent desire of a lover. Though I am cloaked in sweaters, shawls and shearling boots within the walls of a heat controlled environment, I  find myself longing for the un-tame expanse with a tangible ache. Recently, I considered my ever changing reflection in the mirror and listened to the voices of our collective expectations focused on uniformity, enamored with youth and beauty.  I listened and realized with a start that the bloom of youth has passed.  I am spring no more, nor early summer.  I stood contemplating this and listening to the tinny voices of our culture, implanted in my earliest ear and I laughed.  I laughed at the sameness and all it implied.  I laughed at the wrinkles and I laugh...

The snow has come at last, after a dry winter and a bi-polar thermometer. A snow day.  A gift.  

If asked what my most pleasant memories of youth had in common, I would answer without hesitation ... NATURE!  In a world that seems more in need of human connection to the natural world than ever, it is my hope to inspire a measure of awe and wonder in the vastness of the world we inhabit, unplugged and uncensored, in the hearts of my boys. With this in mind, Bodhi and I went scat hunting.  A favorite game of my mom's and now one of my personal fav's.  Bodhi only gagged a few times but was thoroughly interested and enthused.  We also spotted some tracks we thought might belong to a fox (we have a pair living nearby).  And we had ample opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasures of togetherness  in the wide outdoors.  Get outside, look for shit and marvel when you find it!  Now that's a code for living!

Where have I been all this time?  Well one week has past since the boys and I moved into the new house.  We will be house sitting here until mid-june.  It is a positively lovely three story home AND of course, the move and events leading up to it, consumed much of my emotional energy.   We are settling in and getting used to our new surroundings. The best part of the new location is the backyard.  It literally backs up to my favorite hiking spot near denver, Green Mountain.  It has long been my sanctuary (as this blog will attest with its many photographic tributes over the years).  Owen is pictured above, overlooking Denver just a hundred yards from the house.  And this IS the back yard.  It is a great place to heal for a while and mend an aching heart.  The boys are slowly making room in their worlds for this change.  It is hard on them. Bodhi is chewing again and longing for the lost comfort of the pacifier of years gone by, wh...